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沈陽(yáng)江南詩(shī)社對(duì)聯(lián)群詩(shī)鐘練筆 編輯、點(diǎn)評(píng)：蘭心

蘭心

<p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">鐘題：嵌字，“長(zhǎng)、歌”</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">魁斗格，兩題字分嵌于上句首字和下句末字，注意小類工對(duì)。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">示例：</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">嵌入入入入入入入</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">ロロロロロロ嵌。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">書寫格式如下：</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">例：</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">1. 蘭心</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">長(zhǎng)亭酒暖陽(yáng)關(guān)曲；</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">大漠風(fēng)寒易水歌。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">????????????</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">2. 靜心</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">長(zhǎng)征路漫風(fēng)景美，</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">續(xù)寫人生感嘆歌</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">“景”字處應(yīng)為平聲，失替。長(zhǎng)游/續(xù)寫，動(dòng)賓/偏正，路漫/人生 不工，風(fēng)景美/感嘆歌結(jié)構(gòu)不工，意境尚可，詩(shī)鐘要求非常嚴(yán)格的對(duì)仗。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">3. 夢(mèng)語閑云</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">長(zhǎng)劍倚天懸北斗；</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">寒笳吹月動(dòng)西歌。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">格律無誤，對(duì)仗工整。意境雄渾，邊塞氣息濃厚。唯西代表西域，較牽強(qiáng)。點(diǎn)贊??????????????????</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">4. 曉慧</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">長(zhǎng)江后浪推前浪；</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">大海深情詠嘆調(diào)。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">浪……浪，歌……歌，</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">屬于規(guī)則重復(fù)，一般情況下是允許的。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">但詩(shī)鐘崇尚精煉，尤其是嵌字，最好避免所嵌的字重復(fù)。后浪/聲歌不工，推前浪/詠嘆調(diào)結(jié)構(gòu)不匹配。意境上佳，但作為詩(shī)鐘創(chuàng)作，不夠嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">5. 趙景林</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">長(zhǎng)天有淚忠魂曲；</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">英烈回家正氣歌。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">格律工整，意境深遠(yuǎn)，長(zhǎng)天/英烈 小類對(duì)仗略寬。點(diǎn)贊??????????????????</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">6. 韓東林</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">長(zhǎng)堤默讀思鄉(xiāng)賦；</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">短笛輕吹離恨歌。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">格律無誤，對(duì)仗工穩(wěn)，詩(shī)味濃郁。佳作學(xué)習(xí)啦。點(diǎn)贊??????????????????</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">7. 靜心</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">長(zhǎng)天碧空鴻雁遠(yuǎn)；</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">小巷笛聲伴柔歌。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">“空”應(yīng)仄。笛聲/碧空，失對(duì)失替。長(zhǎng)天/碧空意近，笛古仄，碧仄，平仄不對(duì)應(yīng)。鴻雁/遠(yuǎn)，伴/柔歌，節(jié)奏不搭。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">8. 韓東林</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">歌悲四面家鄉(xiāng)遠(yuǎn)；</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">月照千峰羈旅長(zhǎng)。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">此為“魁斗格”反嵌。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">對(duì)仗工整，意境蒼涼，表達(dá)了游子思鄉(xiāng)情懷。點(diǎn)贊??????????????????</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">9. 原野</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">長(zhǎng)天孤獨(dú)千杯酒；</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">滄海渺茫萬首歌。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">格律工整，意境開闊，豪放灑脫。點(diǎn)贊??????????????????</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">10. 夢(mèng)語閑云</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">長(zhǎng)帆遠(yuǎn)渡滄溟水；</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">短笛輕吹綠柳歌。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">格律無誤，對(duì)仗工穩(wěn)，意境清新。點(diǎn)贊??????????????????</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">11. 秋雨</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">長(zhǎng)河落日孤煙直；</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">大漠飛沙壯士歌。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">格律無誤，對(duì)仗工穩(wěn)，意境雄渾壯闊，化用王維名句，氣勢(shì)磅礴。直/歌 對(duì)仗略寬，但不失為佳作，點(diǎn)贊??????????????????</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">12. 瀟瀟</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">長(zhǎng)空萬里迎忠骨；</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">大地千聲唱贊歌。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">格律無誤，對(duì)仗工穩(wěn)。點(diǎn)贊??????????????????</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">13. 博樂</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">長(zhǎng)河落日紅霞舞；</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">大義捐軀正氣歌。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">格律無誤，對(duì)仗可酌。上比寫景，長(zhǎng)河、落日、紅霞，下比言志，大義、捐軀、正氣，上下比意境略顯跳躍。紅霞舞/正氣歌，小類工對(duì)略寬，整體意境不錯(cuò)，但錘煉不足。還不錯(cuò)??????????????????</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">總結(jié)：</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">第一次嘗試詩(shī)鐘練筆，整體不錯(cuò)，向各師學(xué)習(xí)。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">對(duì)聯(lián)和詩(shī)鐘是格律詩(shī)的基礎(chǔ)，老師們有時(shí)間多讀古人七言律詩(shī)的中二聯(lián)，體會(huì)其對(duì)仗的精妙。詩(shī)鐘是文字游戲中的格律詩(shī)，其魅力在于戴著鐐銬跳舞的精準(zhǔn)與美感。期待各位更精彩的作品！????????????</span></p>